/Taco Bell’s “breakfast”
Taco Bell’s new Breakfast Crunch Wrap. Photo credit: Liz Whittemore

Taco Bell’s “breakfast”

Student newspaper sacrifices digestive security to understand “why?”

Bowel-shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse

Brendan Buffa
Sports Editor

Several staff members sacrificed their Tuesday morning, and mustered up the bravery to try the “illustrious” Taco Bell breakfast, which has set social networking sites abuzz in the past weeks.
Taco Bell has released a profound misunderstanding of what America calls “breakfast,” containing a mind-numbing amount of carbohydrates and calories that amount to a massive food-induced sleep, as well as a bad case of the rumbly-in-the-tumbly’s.
Basically a laxative made of syrup, tortillas, and ‘eggs’ (I think), Taco Bell has come far from hitting the mark as their ability to make a satisfying morning munch is disappointing to say the least.
For the sake of journalism, the staff tried one of every item, regretting each bite as they dove into creations such as the clotted ‘egg’ burrito and the chewy waffle taco.

Crunch Wrap and Sausage Burrito

Emily Mainguy
Assistant Production Editor

Breakfast is a hard meal to screw up, but Taco Bell seemed to manage.

Sausage burrito. Photo credit: Liz Whittemore
Sausage burrito. Photo credit: Liz Whittemore

The sausage burrito is very disappointing.
This breakfast burrito is made with sausage, eggs, and cheese wrapped up in a tortilla shell.
When taking a bite out of this burrito, I noticed that it had a very small amount of sausage and a lot of egg and cheese. It was very bland and somehow the entire burrito (shell, egg, and all) tasted like sausage.
I do not recommend this to even the most avid sausage fan.
On the other hand, Taco Bell knocked it out of the park with their A.M. Crunchwrap.
Taco Bell’s A.M. Crunchwrap is stuffed with hash browns, eggs, cheese, sausage, and jalapeno sauce in a tortilla shell.
When biting into the wrap, you get a crunch from the hash browns and the grilled tortilla shell. It has just enough spice to wake you up in the morning and is well balanced enough for an okay breakfast option.
This is exactly what I expected Taco Bell to create for breakfast. It has everything you want in the morning, eggs, protein and spice. Its taste fits in with the regular Taco Bell menu.
I strongly recommend that if you dare to try Taco Bell in the morning, the A.M. Crunchwrap is the best choice.

The Cinnabon Delights

Brendan Buffa
Sports Editor

Cinnabon Delights. Photo credit: Liz Whittemore

The regret-filled breakfast does not completely miss the representation of edible food, as the Cinnabon Delights are as satisfying as rolling cream cheese in sugar, and then going Paula Deen on them puppies and deep frying the hell out of them.
Coming in at 310 calories and 18 grams of total fat per 4-pack, the Cinnabon Delights are a dream for any anarchist looking to eat desert at 7 a.m.
The 12-piece that was ordered for the staff was the first thing to go into our gullets, as a unanimous decision came about, and the Cinnabon Delights won the crown of ‘best breakfast item’ on the Taco Bell menu.
The balls of dough covered in sugar, secreting a sweet cream cheese, won the hearts of the staff in a whirlwind of applause, and a hasty rush to the restroom.

Waffle Tacos and coffee

Erick Fredendall

Waffle Taco. Photo credit: Liz Whittemore
Waffle Taco. Photo credit: Liz Whittemore

I love waffles. I love eggs. Naturally, as soon as I heard our selection for the Taco Bell included a Waffle Taco, I staked claim on the review.
Let’s begin at the ingredients: waffle, egg, and either cheese, sausage, or bacon as additional options. Light syrup is included. From the list, the Waffle Taco sounds like a breakfast cocktail consisting of the typical morning fare.
Unfortunately, the sanctity of the breakfast fare was blemished by being from… well, Taco Bell. The eggs themselves were fairly unremarkable and bland clumps of protein. Word of warning with the waffle- eat it as soon as possible. The texture of a lukewarm waffle taco is akin to munching on wet cardboard.
My major beef was the cheese, a seemingly innocuous part of the mix that left a lingering taste in your mouth and negated from the waffle vibes I was hoping to draw out from the meal.
I don’t have very much to say about the coffee other than it’s about what you can expect from a fast food restaurant. Seattle’s Best strikes again. But if you’re not picky about your morning brew, you could do worse than Taco Bell coffee. It’s cheap and full of caffeine.
All I ask is that the reader keeps in mind that we live in Port Huron, a city boasting a downtown with three local cafes within two blocks of each other.