/The alternative Valentines

The alternative Valentines

Because not all of us have a date

Erick Fredendall

Romance is in the air… and it’s suffocating.
Valentine’s Day is a day of celebrating romance, or pragmatically, the celebration of a Christian saint named Valentinus. Either way, it’s stupid.
So for those of us left behind on the day of love, I humbly present a list of nine options to make Valentine’s Day suck less.

1. Treat yourself to a “personal day”

Go to the spa, order some take-out from your favorite restaurant, or drive somewhere far away from Port Huron and do something interesting. Dress down and wear pajamas all day. Whatever you do, don’t Google “Things to do in Port Huron on Valentine’s Day.” The results are rather bleak.

2. Host or attend a party for singles

The notorious “anti-Valentine’s Day party” is a time tested technique used by singles and is a perfectly acceptable way to celebrate the holiday, with a few small caveats.
Don’t be disappointed if only dudes show up to the party. The terms “anti-Valentine’s Day party” and “sausage fest” are often interchangeable.

3. Surf Facebook

Valentine’s Day is a superficial Hallmark holiday anyways, right? Share your opinions by authoring a social media manifesto and posting it on your Facebook wall. Verbosity is important: be sure to use large words.
Don’t forget to hate on any and all engagement photos.

4. Watch the Mitt Romney documentary on Netflix

Contrary to popular belief, the 2012 GOP nominee for the presidential office IS human, as documentarian Greg Whitely set out to capture in the new film “MITT.”
If watching a documentary of a man with perfect hair and ironed jeans doesn’t appeal for you, there’s always “The Tudors,” a BBC historical fiction on Henry VII, whose marriages often ended by beheading.
That’s what love gets you anyway.

5. Make cookies

If anyone asks, they’re to share with your date. Eat them all.
6. Visit your friends at the liquor store

Ask yourself, what is better than being alone on Valentine’s Day? The answer is being alone on Valentine’s Day with a glass of 18 year old Glenlevit.

7. Go to a public place and look for sad, attractive people

We are not alone, and Valentine’s Day is a vulnerable day of the year for singles. Capitalize on this moment by going to a local hotspot and make some friends. Who knows, maybe mutual resentment for all the happy couples could lead to a beautiful experience.

8. Celebrate your fiscal success

Chocolates, movies, fancy dinners, bouquets, and road trips all have one thing in common: they cost money that you could spend on yourself.

9. Weep bitterly

It’s okay to cry. Maybe next year.