Nihilism & gastronomics: Finding the best burger in town

Robert Kroll

Guest Writer

When presented with the task of reviewing the “Best Burger in Port Huron,” I didn’t back down. Other writers at the ESG were unable to step to the challenge. My reputation as a nihilistic burger eater was picked up on and my quest was laid out.

The only real scientific aspect of this project is that I will just go for a regular, no-frills burger. During my search, I may very well have missed the “great white buffalo” of burgers in town. I will do my best here to fairly present what I have put my body through.

Power’s

I haven’t been to Power’s since I was a regular student here, so this is a treat.

I order a quarter pound burger with cheese, fries and a coke. I am very pleased with what I have been served. The texture is perfect and the beef ground just enough.

Grade:  4 – Win

Calories so far:  4,000

Mama Vicki’s

For the sake of continuity, I once again order a quarter pound cheeseburger, fries, and a coke. I finish it off easily.

But there is nothing significant to sway my opinion about the burger. There is nothing wrong with it, but there is also nothing that I’m going crazy about either.

Grade: 3 – Passing

Calories so far: 5,000

Zebra Bar

I ordered the “Classic” cheeseburger, which is actually 1/3 of a pound, costs about 50 cents cheaper than the Mama Vicki’s, and is amazing.

The major perk though is the bun. While not the texture of the Power’s burger, it was toasted. This is a game changer. This is like pulling Steve Yzerman from a Stanley Cup finals game and replacing him with Gordie Howe.

Grade: 5 – EPIC WIN

Calories so far: 7,000

Quay Street Brewery

I went for the Brew House Burger, which is the Quay version of everything that came before, this time with mandatory beer batter fries. Regrettably, this was the only chance I’d get to have any sort of beer with this meal.

The burger was good, but it occupied a middle ground between Mama Vicki’s and the Zebra. It was better than Mama Vicki’s, but the toasted bun at Zebra set a precedent, like how every new Metallica album is compared to “the old stuff.”

Grade: 4 – WIN

End calories: OVER 9,000

Wrapping it up

I hereby declare that, for now, the Zebra has the best burger in Port Huron.

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